Remember the scene in Love, Actually when Jamie, the Colin Firth character, in the middle of a crowded restaurant, proposes to Aurelia in broken Portuguese? She accepts in broken English, and the whole crowd applauds.

Jamie and Aurelia had learned each other’s languages so they could declare their love for each other.

Would you learn another language for the one you love?

In his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman makes these two points:

1. People speak different love languages, which are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
2. Once you identify and learn to speak your partner’s love language, you have discovered the key to making your relationship last.

Speaking the Same Love Language

In the early euphoria of “falling in love,” you give freely because you believe that you and your lover feel the same about each other. When that stage passes, relationship issues often arise. You may question whether your partner is truly committed to your needs.

What Dr. Chapman calls your “love tank” (the gas tank that fuels your relationship) feels empty. You begin to doubt your partner’s love because it’s not expressed the way you feel it should be.

Sure, your partner brings you presents, but they never tell you they love you in so many words. Yes, your lover mows the lawn and makes sure your car is serviced, but you don’t hug so much anymore. Or, your partner compliments you on your appearance or your skills or your success at work, but you no longer go on dates or spend time just talking with each other.

It’s possible for couples to love each other but to feel unloved because they think in different ways about how to give and receive love.

The Many Languages of Love

To be sure you’re both on the same wavelength, you and your partner need to understand your own and each other’s love language. Then, you need to learn to speak the other’s language. What exactly are these different languages?

Words of Affirmation

If Words of Affirmation is your love language, you communicate—in words—encouragement, affirmation, and appreciation for your partner. You empathize and you listen actively. You take care to make any criticism constructive. And you recognize and appreciate your partner’s efforts.

In Dr. Chapman’s words, “With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, ‘I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?’”

Quality Time

If your love language is Quality Time, you want uninterrupted conversations with your partner. You want one-on-one time to focus on shared and on separate concerns. You enjoy special moments, like walks and weekend getaways. And you avoid distractions and long periods without focused time together.

Receiving Gifts

When your love language is Receiving Gifts, you make your spouse a priority. You put thought into giving. When you receive a gift, you really mean your “thank you.” You know little things are important. And you don’t forget special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays.

Acts of Service

For those whose language of love is Acts of Service, it’s all about helping. You want your partner to know you’re with them. You do chores together, bring breakfast in bed, and do more than your share of the daily workload. Indeed, you follow through on both big and little tasks.

Physical Touch

If Physical Touch is your love language, you’re into nonverbal communication. Body language and touch express your love. You kiss, hold hands, show affection physically. You make intimacy a priority, and you’re thoughtful. Plus, you receive affection warmly, and you don’t let long periods go by without intimate gestures.

Learning a Love Language

Communication between couples happens when they express their love for each other in the language their lover understands.

If a husband’s love language is Acts of Service, he may feel hurt when his wife doesn’t acknowledge that he spent weeks building raised beds for her garden. She may tell him often that she loves him (Words of Affirmation), but if she doesn’t take time to cook breakfast or take the car to the repair shop, he won’t hear her words of love.

Perhaps you know your love language from the descriptions above. But if you’re not quite sure, here’s how to figure out the linguistic characteristics of your relationship.

Dr. Chapman suggests three ways to discover your love language.

1. What does your spouse do that hurts you? – The opposite is probably your primary love language.
2. What do you most often ask your partner for? – That’s the thing that makes you feel loved.
3. How do you usually show your love? – That’s how you want your lover to express love to you.

Try these questions with your partner as well, to discover their love language.

How does your partner express love? People naturally give love in the way they prefer to receive it.

What does your partner tend to complain about? According to Dr. Chapman, “People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”

For Jamie and Aurelia, mentioned at the outset, learning to speak the same language removed the barriers that kept them from expressing their love for each other. Much in the same way, learning to speak the languages of love—your own and your partner’s—can keep your relationship strong.

Happy Valentine's Day!