Studies continue to show the many benefits of a long-lasting marriage—the one where the couple “lives happily ever after.”  The benefits include better health, improved immune system, more laughs, deeper joy in life.

Should your relationship already be good enough—meaning there is some joy, some passion, some shared goals and values, and a love that continues (although maybe a bit stale)—here are some of the ways you can cultivate that deeper sense of love, even years into your relationship.

I recently saw a young couple who came from families where there was alcoholism, chaos, anger, and bitterness that split the parents apart. The husband was desperate—something about how loving relationships can actually be fulfilling and long-lasting. “Tell me something about how your relationship could last so long?” the husband asks me.

His wife adds her fears that, just like her parents and her boyfriend’s parents, they will have years in a fractious relationship so, “What’s the point of even trying? Even though I love him, won’t we have the same awfulness that our parents have with each other? They are continually fighting and accusing and feeling miserable about each other.” 

I hear their worries, their sense of hopelessness. What I also hear is the inability to imagine, because they’ve had no experience with this—how there could be a loving relationship with the same person, after many years. 

They want to know that it’s possible. They want me to tell them, as in “happily ever after,” a real story of how a couple can find their way through life still loving and supporting their partner.

 So I offer them hope. I offer them these strategies, which I am happy to offer to you as well.

1.  Repair is Possible

Perhaps the biggest issue I see is that couples know how to destroy each other, and do it better than anyone else. They know which buttons to press. But they don’t know that repair is possible, and that repair is the soothing balm that heals. 

Repair isn’t about saying “I’m sorry” as much as it is about deeply listening. In order to repair effectively, we need to deeply listen, but before we can employ this, we need to pause and take a break first.

2.  Take a Break

When our nervous system is aroused into anger, we move into flight/flight. We become accusatory, we become defensive, we won’t back down. So, take a time out. 

Yes, time outs are not just for your kids! Take a time out from continuing the argument. Tell your partner that you need some time to reflect. Most importantly, agree and commit to return and try again with each other.

When you’ve calmed down enough, think through not only what has hurt you, but what you imagine might have hurt your partner. Take enough time to really feel regulated again. Perhaps take a walk, call a friend, read an inspirational passage on healing, try meditation. 

Do something so that when you return to speak with your partner, you do so from a compassionate place rather than an accusatory one. And, should you find yourself again all tangled up, take another break. Do so until you can regulate your reactivity and be open to hearing your partner rather than defending yourself.

3.   Listen Deeply

What is your partner actually saying? What does this tell you about who they are now? What does this tell you about the pain your partner is in? Since you know their history better than anyone else, you can imagine when you shift into empathizing and away from blame how they are experiencing you in this conflict.

Listen deeply. Take several deep breaths and remind yourself that the point of conflict is to deepen understanding. Empathy is to imagine what the world looks like from your partner’s perspective. Try to get inside their heart, body, and mind to see how the conflict would have felt from their perspective. Get away from right and wrong. 

4.  Accountability

Once you’ve listened, and your partner feels your deep care, then it’s time for you to speak about your own pain and what deeply upset to you. What did you hear in the interaction that aroused you into anger, resulting in responses like name calling, slamming doors, and threatening to end the relationship. Be able to be soft, so you can speak to your distress.

5.  Helpful Reminders

These handy-dandy slogans can be helpful to use in your pursuit of repair. 

Say what you mean, but don’t say it meanly.

Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said by me now?

Am I being kind? Is this the kindest way to say what I need to my Beloved?

6.  Respect

Your partner is a being filled with thoughts, emotions, a history that includes distress and disappointment, and a present that also includes loads of stress.  As best you can, remember that your partner is not just a two-dimensional being but has a whole inner life—a mind that chatters incessantly, feels fear, inner criticism, and doubt—and a heart that can recoil from hurt or seek revenge.   

Loving takes patience, deepening, and hope. Turn towards love. Know that repair is the key to decades of a loving relationship with your One and Only. Let’s call this braiding—braiding another row of connection between your partner and yourself. Your partner is your Beloved … and you are Beloved as well. Treasure both of you, and the relationship that you are building together.

In that, you both are turning towards each other, bending what needs to be bent, strengthening what needs to be strengthened. It’s worth all your effort! Reach out to see how relationship counseling can give you the tools you need to build a long, happy relationship.