One of the most deeply-rooted conditioning in our world is that of “Othering,” the human phenomenon that compels us to look at anything that is ‘not us’ as ‘the Other.’ Othering, particularly “Bad Othering” occurs when we look at another living being—an animal, for example—and assume it is ‘not us’ so it doesn’t think or feel like us. When this happens, it becomes easier to rationalize that it doesn’t suffer and it doesn’t really feel pain. 

This has been the case throughout the experience of humankind. And, it continues to happen, often, in many ways, every day. 

Take childrearing for instance. When we do not see a child as having as much desire to be loved and belong as we do (or perhaps we don’t feel that for ourselves), we Other them. 

When we do not consider how our partner, a family member, a friend, a colleague, etc thinks and feels—when we primarily have a functional view of them and what they can do FOR us—and we are not seeing the humanity of each person, we Other them.

When we label groups of people who we don’t see as sharing our values, our language, or they aren’t the same skin color, culture or background as we are, we Other them.

Bad Othering, particularly, is a powerful dynamic that keeps us in a dissociated state, cutting ourselves off from empathically experiencing shared distress when we are with these ‘Others’ because we literally don’t see them as being like us.When we don’t see that they are ‘like us,’ we (often unconsciously) give ourselves permission to treat them in ways that places us in the dominant position. Essentially, only WE matter.

A Stunning Example Of Bad Othering 

On March 13, 2022, The Washington Post published a series of letters called, The painful, cutting and brilliant letters Black people wrote to their former enslavers written from former slave owners to their former enslaved people. Here is one excerpt from Jermain Wesley Loguen, a formerly enslaved man who escaped at age 21.  

“Wretched Woman!”: Rev. Jermain Wesley Loguen, 1860

Rev. Jermain Wesley Loguen was born “Jarm Logue” in Tennessee in 1813. His enslaver, Mannasseth Logue, was also his biological father. Twenty-six years after his Christmas escape, Loguen was a renowned minister in Syracuse, N.Y., his home a hub on the Underground Railroad. In February 1860, Logue’s wife wrote to him, giving him a brief update on his family and blaming him for her financial problems. She insisted he return or send her $1,000, or else she would sell him to someone who, because of the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850, could come to Syracuse and legally kidnap him. 

This is his reply to her.

Syracuse, N.Y., March 28, 1860

MRS. SARAH LOGUE:—

Yours of the 20th of February is duly received, and I thank you for it. It is a long time since I heard from my poor old mother, and I am glad to know she is yet alive, and, as you say, “as well as common.” What that means I don’t know. I wish you had said more about her.

You are a woman; but had you a woman’s heart you could never have insulted a brother by telling him you sold his only remaining brother and sister, because he put himself beyond your power to convert him into money.

You sold my brother and sister, ABE and ANN, and 12 acres of land, you say, because I ran away. Now you have the unutterable meanness to ask me to return and be your miserable chattel, or in lieu thereof send you $1000 to enable you to redeem the land, but not to redeem my poor brother and sister! If I were to send you money it would be to get my brother and sister, and not that you should get land.

You say you are a cripple, and doubtless you say it to stir my pity, for you know I was susceptible in that direction. I do pity you from the bottom of my heart. Nevertheless I am indignant beyond the power of words to express, that you should be so sunken and cruel as to tear the hearts I love so much all in pieces; that you should be willing to impale and crucify us out of all compassion for your poor foot or leg.

Wretched woman! Be it known to you that I value my freedom, to say nothing of my mother, brothers and sisters, more than your whole body; more, indeed, than my own life; more than all the lives of all the slaveholders and tyrants under Heaven.

You say you have offers to buy me, and that you shall sell me if I do not send you $1000, and in the same breath and almost in the same sentence, you say, “you know we raised you as we did our own children.” Woman, did you raise your own children for the market? Did you raise them for the whipping-post? Did you raise them to be driven off in a coffle in chains? Where are my poor bleeding brothers and sisters? Can you tell? Who was it that sent them off into sugar and cotton fields, to be kicked, and cuffed, and whipped, and to groan and die; and where no kin can hear their groans, or attend and sympathize at their dying bed, or follow in their funeral?

Wretched woman! Do you say you did not do it? Then I reply, your husband did, and you approved the deed — and the very letter you sent me shows that your heart approves it all. Shame on you.

But, by the way, where is your husband? You don’t speak of him. I infer, therefore, that he is dead; that he has gone to his great account, with all his sins against my poor family upon his head. Poor man! gone to meet the spirits of my poor, outraged and murdered people, in a world where Liberty and Justice are MASTERS.

But you say I am a thief, because I took the old mare along with me. Have you got to learn that I had a better right to the old mare, as you call her, than MANNASSETH LOGUE had to me? Is it a greater sin for me to steal his horse, than it was for him to rob my mother’s cradle and steal me? If he and you infer that I forfeit all my rights to you, shall not I infer that you forfeit all your rights to me? Have you got to learn that human rights are mutual and reciprocal, and if you take my liberty and life, you forfeit your own liberty and life? Before God and High Heaven, is there a law for one man which is not a law for every other man?

If you or any other speculator on my body and rights, wish to know how I regard my rights, they need but come here and lay their hands on me to enslave me. Did you think to terrify me by presenting the alternative to give my money to you, or give my body to Slavery? Then let me say to you, that I meet the proposition with unutterable scorn and contempt. The proposition is an outrage and an insult. I will not budge one hair’s breadth. I will not breathe a shorter breath, even to save me from your persecutions. I stand among a free people, who, I thank God, sympathize with my rights, and the rights of mankind; and if your emissaries and venders come here to re-enslave me, and escape the unshrinking vigor of my own right arm, I trust my strong and brave friends, in this City and State, will be my rescuers and avengers.

Yours, &c., J.W. Loguen

Reverend Loguen became well-known for being part of the Underground Railroad. There is much to say about this powerful letter, but for the purpose of this blog, I want to point out how clearly his letter defines step-mother’s Othering. Due to normative abuse, Othering and likely many other factors, she had no concept that Jermain was anything but a piece of equipment that ‘belonged’ to her and her husband, who was actually his father.

Othering, Normative Abuse And The Truth About Suffering 

The Four Noble Truths, which comprise the essence of the Buddha’s teachings, show us the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering. These truths explain that the root of suffering is spawned through the three evil poisons—greed, hatred and delusion. All three are obvious and quite visible in slavery, of course. And, all three are apparent in Reverend Loguen’s wise and adamant response to his former enslaver. His response, particularly, highlights his experience of Bad Othering, as well as the delusion, ignorance and the harmful cultural conditioning that, in more than three decades of studying this phenomenon, I have termed as “normative abuse,” which I explain in depth in my book, Creating the Capacity for Attachment: Treating Addictions and the Alienated Self. *

Normative abuse describes the perspectives, practices and behaviors that were once accepted (slavery and lyching are obvious examples of once accepted practices/perspectives considered normal—and expected—by a large number of people) that are later seen, understood and named as abusive. Othering, especially Bad Othering, is also a clear and obvious example of normative abuse that still occurs every day. Othering causes a separation and disconnection, as well as harm, suffering and abuse.When we are Bad Othering, we cannot see the humanity of the person across from us. When we are Bad Othering, we cannot see the common connectedness between us.

Dissolving Othering With Courage, Compassion, Forgiveness And Peace 

Tara Brach, psychologist, meditation teacher and bestselling author, asks of us all to be mindful of focusing on anger and blame. She says, “This [a focus on anger and blame] creates the root of war, and it’s entirely natural—but we need to do the inner work—so we don’t perpetuate the energy to promote suffering.” And, as translated from words spoken long ago by the Buddha, “Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is the ancient and eternal law.”

Compassion, forgiveness and love are what lead us out of hatred and into healing. These forces are what shift us out of the normative abuse conditionings that perpetuates suffering and disconnection. 

As a beautiful example of love’s capacity to heal, in 1990, after being freed from 18 years of imprisonment for opposing South Africa’s apartheird laws (apartheird literally means “apartness” in the Afrikaans language), Nelson Mandela said that he forgave all of his captors. In Mandela's powerful words, “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or religion.… they must learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, then they can be taught to love because love comes more naturally to the human heart than the opposite.”

Continued practice of compassion, connection, love, forgiveness and gratitude help each of us cultivate the innate goodness that lies within and then shine that goodness and light forth into a world that is full of so much suffering and even horor today. As we begin to consciously stop Othering people and, instead, see ourselves and everything as interconnected and, essentially, one, we can help others and allow others to help us. 

I’m reminded of the concept of ‘inter-being’ from the late Thich Nhat Hahn. In his wisdom and grace, he reminds us that we are all interconnected through the web of life, through experiences that, while we each have our own unique way of perceiving everything, we also are experiencing everything that all living beings experience as well.

So much of what enabled the Reverend to do—to escape from slavery and find safety through the Underground Railroad—was through the support of his biological mother and the many people with helping hearts and hands who saw him as a brother and acted with compassion and courage. And, after becoming a free man, he was helped by people who taught him to read, gave him a job, and encouraged him to reach his full humanity.

They had vision.  

They had courage.  

They had each other. 

And, then the Reverend paid that courage and compassion forward…

I repeat again and close with Rev. Jermain Wesley Loguen’s closing statement to his step-mother/former enslaver:

“I stand among a free people, who, I thank God, sympathize with my rights, and the rights of mankind; and if your emissaries and venders come here to re-enslave me, and escape the unshrinking vigor of my own right arm, I trust my strong and brave friends, in this City and State, will be my rescuers and avengers.”

In courage, connection and peace, 

Karen 

Please enjoy this guided meditation, Cultivating The Qualities You Want To Strengthen At This Time In Your Life And In The Word, available for free download on my website, designed to help cultivate compassionate qualities and deepen your connection to the oneness that exists within all.