Compassion means to suffer together, and it arises when we not only empathize with someone else’s suffering, but we also feel compelled and motivated to try to do something to relieve their suffering.
Self-compassion, then, is a way of being with ourselves when we are in distress. It is an inner experience, in which we offer ourselves kindness, soothing and validation—essentially offering ourselves the same compassion and compassionate action that we would offer someone else in an attempt to relieve their suffering.
The cultivation of self-compassion through routinely engaging in self-compassion practices and meditation enables us to grow a loving, connected presence within ourselves, which, in turn, allows us to become more able to grow a loving connection with and toward those around us.
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
The first component of self-compassion is mindfulness. Practicing Mindfulness helps us to notice and name our current experience without judgment. Generally, when being compassionate with oneself, we’re nonjudgmentally noticing and naming and experience as one that is difficult and distressing.
The second component of self-compassion is common humanity. Understanding, acknowledging and accepting our Common Humanity helps us with perspective, being aware that all beings—including ourselves—have difficulties and suffer.
And, the third component of self-compassion is inner kindness. We cultivate an Inner Kindness by offering ourselves a gentle tenderness—as though we were truly on our own side, as though we are a best friend. We become our own inner nurturer and inner coach.
Self-compassion also enables us to protect as well as to nurture tenderness. We can be firm AND kind, holding our truth AND caring. The analogy is often used of a “mamma bear” protectiveness or what Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneer of self-compassion, calls ‘fierce compassion.’ When we are lovingly protective of ourselves (and others) in a kind way, we are the being that ‘mamma bear’ who is protecting.
Accessible Self-Compassion Practices To Help You Become Increasingly Kind To Yourself
Take a Self-Compassion Break
A self-compassion break, as described in the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSP) Program, helps us develop awareness and kindness during difficult moments. When you find yourself feeling stressed and critical of yourself, give yourself a break and utilize the three self-compassion components—mindfulness, common humanity and inner kindness—listed above. Take the time to name the distressing situation. Remind yourself that everyone experiences challenges and suffering in the areas that you are currently experiencing distress, which can help you feel more connected to humanity and the world around you. And, do so while giving yourself encouragement and care.
Cultivate an Inner Nurturer
The inner nurturer is a term coined by Rick Hanson, Ph.D, psychologist, senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and NYT bestselling author. The inner nurturer can help you disengage from the inner critic, offering yourself compassionate support and encouragement when you feel challenged, stressed and critical of yourself. You might prefer to think of this part of yourself as an inner coach, especially if you’re looking to incorporate skills of firm kindness. See if calling upon your inner nurturer or inner coach can help you to pause before acting on impulses. What would that compassionate and mindful part of you advise?
As you work on cultivating your inner nurturer, I invite you to notice the good that is around and within you. Take that good into your heart, and, as Rick suggests, think of the good that you take in, as though you were putting good-hearted feelings, moments, thoughts and interactions into an inner treasure box. These can be remembrances of moments in which you felt cared for and heard, along with moments when you were pleased with your own actions. You can also include moments with those you love, as well as those with whom you might be having some tension or dis-ease.
To learn more about the inner critic and inner nurturer, particularly on how to focus on managing your inner critic while building up a strong inner nurturer, which takes practice, check out the Managing Your Inner Critic episode on Rick’s Being Well Podcast.
Develop A Loving Kindness Meditation Practice
Many of us, while loving and kind to others, are not always so loving and kind to ourselves. To develop inner kindness, Dr. Chris Germer, clinical psychologist and co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) Program, suggests developing a loving kindness meditation, in which you can learn and practice loving phrases to apply to yourself. When faced with challenges internally and/or externally, you can also work toward lovingly accepting things as they are in the present moment.
To get started on cultivating more loving kindness (or even as a seasoned practitioner), I also suggest checking out one of Chris Germer’s guided meditation, Loving-Kindness For Ourselves, which is one of the core meditations from the Mindful Self-Compassion Program.
Fostering Fierce Kindness, Accepting What You Cannot Change And Setting Healthy Boundaries
Fierce kindness, too, as mentioned above as part of cultivating that mamma bear aspect of yourself, can be developed with practice. A vital part of self-care is accepting that there are situations, people and circumstances that we are not able to change. Another critical part of engaging in loving kindness with yourself is to understand and accept that while you may feel compassionately called to help relieve the suffering of another, there are situations that we are unable to alter, and trying to do so can lead to increased stress, resentments and even burnout.
“So Be It”
Learning how to say, “so be it” is a crucial skill for acceptance.
It may feel a little silly at first, but saying “so be it” outloud can be genuinely helpful. You can even add a hand gesture, demonstrating a sense of surrender to that which you cannot change, by putting both of your hands in front of you as though you are energetically blocking yourself from what is coming your way. Try actually pushing away the distressing situation or interpersonal conflict that you are struggling with. Notice the boundary that gets created in the space between your hands and your body. This space is symbolic, as well as pragmatic. This self-care and self-compassion practice helps to keep you feeling strong and safe, while protecting yourself and holding on to what feels true and right for YOU.
Practice saying “so be it” as you create a healthy boundary between yourself and that which must be pushed away. Using this skill can help you release yourself from what can’t be. It’s a boundary — the place between where you once were and a new, more peaceful and accepting way of being.
If you’re looking to increase your capacity for acceptance while also working on fostering fierce compassion, check out my free, downloadable guided meditation, Fierce Compassion & Acceptance Skill So Be It - Adapted from Dr. Chris Germer & Dr. Kristin Neff.
Before and after practicing this meditation, you may say to yourself:
“So be it. For right now, so be it. I remember that each of us is on our own life journey. I am not the cause of this person’s suffering, nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away, even though I wish I could. Moments like this are difficult to bear, yet I may still try to help if I can. So be it, so be it, so be it.”
Access Your Level Of Self-Compassion
If you’re curious about how self-compassionate you are, Dr. Krisitn Neff has developed a free self-compassion test that you can take to see where you land on the self-compassion spectrum. This test can be useful to gauge where you’re currently at and where you’d like to be as you work on self-compassion practices, slowly and gently becoming kinder and more loving toward your beautiful self.
With love and compassion,
Karen