With so much violence, oppression, strife and pain going on in the world today, as well as a beautiful change into the spring season of rebirth and growth, I’ve been thinking about love and why it is that, in general, we don’t find ourselves infused with love and excitement about the miracles that are literally unfolding each moment, every day.
The answer might be as simple as that we have been long conditioned to habitually scan for threat. And, humanity, in general, has been conditioned to constantly want and to try to obtain more and more. In talking about suffering, Buddhist philosophy gives us insight into the root of this.
For the Buddhist, suffering is avoidable in life, yet we cause ourselves suffering through our cravings. In this context, “craving” is described as becoming attached to getting the results that we want, pressuring ourselves to do and acquire more and more, never feeling like we are good enough, and getting upset and shaming ourselves and others for our humanity. The list goes on and on, and stalls many of us in a pursuit to cultivate growth.
As a Western society, we also tend to get stuck in craving the moment we’re in to stay the same. OR, we crave the next moment to come immediately. This craving is based on us wanting to exercise control and/or wanting things to stay permanent and never change, although impermanence is really the only thing we can count on in this human life. We are very rarely right here—in this present moment.
Our nervous systems have been conditioned, as well, to support this collective dis-ease, automatically responding with a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response when our three most basic needs—safety, satisfaction and connection—are perceived to be threatened, absent or unavailable.
If we are not satiated or content, we will direct and push ourselves to strive for more.
If we are not feeling loved, in a search for love and affection, we may become sad and feel angry and even vengeful toward those who won’t give it to us.
And, if/when we feel defective or “less than,” we may experience shame and engage in isolating and self-harming behavior.
It's all very predictable, really…
When we don’t feel safe, when we don’t feel content, and when we don’t feel connected, we crave. And, then we will take some sort of action—even if it is potentially harmful—due to our need to experience safety, satisfaction and connection.
This is where the suffering comes from, and it often happens even if we are already in a safe enough, content enough, connected enough place—but we don’t know it. Or, we have enough, right here and right now—but don’t see it. Or, we are loved—but don’t feel it. So, we seek more and more, not understanding what we already have.
States Over Traits
While craving is the fundamental energy that causes suffering, meditation is its antidote. Through the practice of meditation, we learn to anchor into the present moment, compassionately observing our thoughts and the innumerable times that we get caught in a craving for life to be different than it is. Through meditation and other compassion-based practices, we can mitigate and even alleviate cravings as we cultivate growth, compassion, patience, kindness and love.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D, author, psychologist and neuropsychologist who is one of my favorite teachers, offers two antidotes to avoid falling into craving and the suffering that comes with it.
According to Rick, we can build up our inner psychological resources and strengthen characteristics that enable us to live with more ease. Especially now, with the ongoing war in the Ukraine and many other places in the world, we are on heightened alert. We can decide that THIS is the time to grow the qualities most needed for ourselves, in our community and for the world around us, which include grit, gratitude, compassion, social skills, coping skills, executive functioning, secure attachment, sense of self-worth, capacity to admit mistakes, having patience, renunciation of want, spirituality, generosity and loyalty.
This all sounds like a long shopping list, right?!
But, it is possible for each of us to grow whatever it is that we want.
In psychology, there’s a process called “states over traits.” For instance, when we set our mind to cultivating a trait—let’s say patience—and we pay attention to opportunities that can enable us to strengthen our capacity for patience, through awareness and practice of this new behavior, we can adopt a new perspective and change a thought. Then, as we continue practicing this new behavior—increasing our capacity for patience in this example—the more we actually hardwire that change into our brain and nervous system.
When we do this, over and over, we are able to cultivate growth as we change from a state—a short-lived state of mind—to a trait—a part of who we actually are, which has long-lasting power. We give ourselves a “growth edge,” or a challenge and meet it. As we do this more and more, we create an increased capacity to grow into and expand our edge and evolve further. And, as we strengthen these parts of ourselves, we also find that we become less triggered, which naturally reduces the cravings that create suffering, so we suffer less and less!
Rick also suggests that another way to avoid falling into the cravings that create suffering is to practice cultivating a loving, calm presence and to really notice that we are generally NOT in a great state of threat. Essentially, the practice is to actively note that we really are alright, right now, and to notice the good in any given moment.
A Practice To Help Cultivate Growth, Mitigate Cravings And Reduce Suffering
If your craving is related to safety, first notice if there IS any immediate, grave danger. With this knowledge, understand that it is okay for you to feel at least relatively safe right now. Yes, there may be many social and human rights issues that are begging for change. Yes, there may be personal stressors, such financial issues, that are in need of change. And, yes, there may be interpersonal issues that require attention.
But, in THIS moment—right here, and not the next moment—if you can authentically feel a safeness around you, you can recognize and absorb that calmness. You can take a breath in and out, and feel grounded in the safety of right NOW. Even with the war in the Ukraine and the enormity of suffering we are seeing and feeling, in general, we can take a deep breath into the gratitude of this moment, here and now.
If there is craving related to contentment, notice what you already have. I invite you to look around you and take joy in what is already here. Perhaps challenge yourself: Is there already enough-ness? And, if more is needed, how much more? See if you can remind yourself of what you’ve already accomplished and what you’ve already acquired. Try to feel a sense of gratitude for what’s already here. You may discover that there’s more than you initially realized.
If the craving is related to connection, think of those who do care about you. Think of moments when you’ve been loved or appreciated, even if it’s not with every person you know, or with the one person you are currently struggling with. Also feel into your personal Inner Nurturer, which can help you bring friendliness, compassion and warmth to yourself.
Rick Hanson suggests we practice the above to cultivate growth and harvest the benefits. To do so, set yourself a goal to practice five minutes a day. You could practice in 30 second bursts throughout the day, or once a day. Experiment and discover what works best for you.
I invite you to listen to Rick’s and his son Forrest’s latest Being Well//Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest Hanson podcast, Supporting Yourself During Difficult Times, in which they offer a comprehensive set of ways to manage our anxiety and compassion responses given the latest world crises. I’d like to echo here, the passage they quote from Lord of the Rings:
Frodo: “I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”
Gandalf: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
Embrace The Equinox, Cultivate Growth And Draw On Inspiration From Mother Nature
I sincerely invite you to adopt this practice and take a few minutes everyday to call in feelings of safety, peacefulness, contentment, connection and love. Do it so much that it becomes a trait within you that is consistently accessible. Advances in neurobiology show us that we can create new neural pathways and hardwire this refuge within—this place that you can always go to when you need internal resourcing to deal with the unfolding of life as it occurs.
Coming back to the questions I began with: Why is it that we generally don’t walk around as though we are in love with the world? Why don’t we find ourselves infused with the miracle of each day, each moment?
The spring equinox is just around the corner. Because of the balance between light and dark that only occurs twice a year, when the sun crosses the celestial calendar and both daylight and darkness are of equal length, equinoxes present us with an auspicious time to create change. I’ll be delving into this more in my next blog…
As we’re planting literal seeds to be harvested at summer’s end and daylight begins increases bit-by-bit every day as we move toward the summer solstice, we, too, can draw inspiration from Mother Nature by working on growing our edge, also bit-by-bit, to lessen our attachments and cravings and grow or birth for the first time those qualities that help reduce our suffering.
As the beloved spiritual teacher and Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh once said, "The mind and heart is like a piece of land planted with many different kinds of seed—seeds of joy, of peace, of mindfulness, understanding, and seeds of craving and fear and hate and anger, forgetfulness. The healthy and unhealthy seeds are there sleeping. The quality of your life depends on the seeds you water. If you water the seed of peace in your mind and heart, peace will grow. If the seeds of happiness are watered, you will become happy. If the seeds of anger and fear are watered, you will become angry. The seeds that are watered frequently are those that will grow strong. And together, we get to tend one another and the students that we have in the garden of the earth."
As we move into this new season, along side the increased difficulties and sadness that abounds, what seeds will you plant?
For a meditation to help, I invite you to listen to Cultivating The Qualities You Want To Strengthen At This Time In Your Life And In The World to help support and guide you on this beautiful journey.
And, if you’re interested in engaging in an internal, emotional spring cleaning as we move into the season of rebirth, check out an older blog post, Spring Cleaning! — As Good for Your Emotions As for Your Closet!, that I recently dug up, which offers some insight and tips into how to get rid of what is dragging you down, maintaining focus on healthy habits and noticing and accepting your feelings with compassion.
Equinox blessings and peace to all,
Karen