Depending on your upbringing and early life experiences, you and your partner may have different attachment styles. Your attachment style refers to the way you relate to intimate partners.
Perhaps you or your partner display an avoidant attachment style. An avoidant person may feel that intimacy only offers a loss of independence, leading them to choose unavailable partners or act emotionally unavailable in their relationship. Some other telltale signs of people with avoidant attachment include:
Fearing abandonment, yet keeping people at arm’s length
A partner may feel like they have to “chase” them
Perceiving healthy emotional attachment as neediness
Pulling away because of fear and insecurity, even when things are going well
Can you have a successful relationship if you’re avoidant? Could you happily date an avoidant partner? The answer is yes–but it will take some work.
The following tips may help navigate your relationship if you or your partner have an avoidant attachment style.
Stop the Chase
If your partner is avoidant, you may have the urge to “chase” them. When they pull away, you try harder to get closer to them. To you, this feels like a solution to the problem. But to them, it feels like they’re being smothered.
It may feel counterintuitive to stop chasing your partner or trying to close that emotional gap. But this is something that your partner will have to adjust to on their own. You’ll need to give them the space they desire.
Examine What You’re Looking For
Whether you or your partner are avoidant, it’s essential to understand why you felt attracted to each other in the first place, despite your different attachment styles.
For example, maybe you do wish you felt a little more independent and care-free. Perhaps your partner does want a closer, more nurturing relationship.
Having honest conversations about what you truly want out of your relationship and why you initially fell in love can help you find a balance between intimacy and independence.
Realistic Expectations
Your avoidant partner won’t change overnight. And if you’re the avoidant person, your partner won’t understand your past and your reasons for avoidance after one or two conversations. It would be best if you committed to growing and learning together. If you genuinely love each other and are willing to put in the work, you can make it through the rough patches.
Create Trust
Why do you feel the need to chase your avoidant partner when they try to create distance? It is because you’re scared they won’t come back. And if you’re the avoidant partner, why do you push your partner away? It is because you’re afraid that you will lose yourself in the relationship.
Therefore, creating genuine trust is necessary for your relationship to have a solid foundation. You both need to trust that you will stick together through thick and thin and always respect each other’s boundaries.
Relationship Counseling
Trying to heal your connection with an avoidant partner, or trying to change your own avoidant attachment style, can be a difficult process. For support and guidance, you may want to consider attending relationship counseling.
A therapist can help explain why some people develop an avoidant attachment style. Furthermore, your therapist can facilitate difficult conversations in a safe space and help you bridge the gap between your different attachment styles.
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Do you have an avoidant attachment style? What about your partner? If one party in your relationship is avoidant, you may want to try relationship counseling to see if working with a therapist can improve your communication skills and bring you closer.
Reach out to me today to discuss your options for scheduling your first appointment or visit my page on relationship counseling to learn more.