"Love After Love"

A poem by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I’ve been honored to hear from so many of you regarding your relationships. Also, I’ve been struck by how many of you are aware of the particular styles you both have. Primarily, and not surprisingly, many of you — from various parts of the world — have told me that the primary dynamic is anxious to avoidant. 

The Chinese Finger Trap

Strangely enough, I’m not surprised at all. This pair is the one causing us the most distress because as one pulls away, the other clings more tightly. Like the Chinese finger trap, both of you are stuck in a relational pull but cannot break free for fear of losing the entire relationship. Of course, the answer is acceptance — relax inside of the trap, and the finger is released.

How to do this, you may be wondering? The answer is to turn some of your loving attention towards your own self. Yes, that’s right, loving the self. And that is not narcissism, which is the belief that only the self is the ONE person who is the most fabulous in all the land (and underneath that is often deep insecurity that the self really isn’t so incredible and will be found out).

Understanding Our Birthright

Buddhist psychology tells us that each of us is a treasured being. There is an essential goodness in all beings, and that it is our birthright to love and cherish the life that we have been given — the opportunities, no matter how challenging they may be — are ours to spin into gold.  

The very idea is so compelling to me. As we are the only ones inside of our minds from before we are born, we might as well find ways to befriend our inner self by being kind, compassionate, and forgiving.  

That’s right. Forgiving.  

Because all of us struggle, err, miss the mark, as it were, more times than getting it right. If we can find it in our hearts to embrace our unique essence, then we can relax and find within ourselves peace and joy. Then, when we look in the mirror, we can say, “Hey, I know you, old friend. You’re my faithful buddy, and I appreciate that you are with me through all of time!”

Loving the self: how do we do this?

1.  Mirror Work 

Truly. Look at yourself in the mirror — at least your face — or use Zoom, FaceTime, etc. (these days, we can’t get away from that, can we?) and stare intently into your eyes.  

What do you see? Can you smile at these eyes that see out on the world? See if you can gain acceptance into the very fact that this face, this body, was born with you and will age with you. And thank it.

2.  Self Reflection

Make a u-turn, and see if you can realize that your relationships mirror how you feel about yourself. If you are afraid your partner does not honestly love you, look at that belief as a projection of how YOU feel about yourself.  

Can you see that you, too, feel you can be forgotten? Isn’t that what you’ve been doing? See if you can look at what you accuse your partner of, and turn it around — is this how you feel about yourself? Or how others taught you to think about yourself?

3.  Observation

Take in some useful facts about yourself. And, honestly, absorb what you find. Take the time at night, before bed, to think about a few moments from the day that you were pleased with yourself. Start with one, even something relatively small such as that you made yourself a great cup of tea. It doesn’t matter where you start; you are getting used to being comfortable and cherishing your actions. These habits are the start of loving the self.

4. Cherish Yourself

 Try on the idea that, in cherishing yourself, you are cherishing the world more fully. If it is true that all of us are part of Consciousness as a Whole, then in loving the self (or ourselves), we become more loving of all beings.  

The concept in Buddhist Psychology of Loving Awareness — that when we meditate, we breathe in Loving Awareness throughout our whole being and release Loving Awareness into the entirety of the world around us — can help us embrace love as the Universal experience of all beings. If this is the case, then enjoying ourselves is just an extension of enjoying all beings.

5.  Meditate

See if meditation, in any form, has any appeal to you. Speaking of which, I am pleased to announce that I have completed my 2-year Certification Program with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach and am now certified to teach mindfulness meditation — I’m so excited!  

I will continue posting meditations from upcoming classes that I am giving.  Should you wish to join my classes or would like to see me individually for one-to-one instruction, please contact me or visit my Mindfulness-Based Therapy page to learn more.  

Nameste

I’ll close with the Sanskrit word and frequent Indian phrase when leaving one another, Nameste, which means, I bow to the holy, the sacred, in you.  May it be so — I bow to the holy, the sacred, the golden light, in you.