Are you dating someone who you suspect has an anxious or avoidant attachment style?
When your partner is silent or detached, you might struggle with insecurity. It can feel like you’ve done something wrong that causes your partner to put their guard up.
But our attachment styles are typically a result of our upbringing. The solution to this instability lies in learning to securely attach to yourself while being patient and understanding with your partner.
It’s time to turn inward to fulfill the longing that you’ve directed towards your partner. Here’s how to master the art of befriending yourself by practicing self-compassion and address negative self-talk.
Get Busy
It’s always essential to have hobbies of your own, independent from your partner. Staying busy can help you focus on your passions rather than ruminating on your relationship.
This approach does not mean that you’re distracting yourself from problems with your partner. You’re merely channeling your energy in a more positive direction. You could try taking Zoom classes on exciting subjects, practicing yoga or meditation, creating art, or playing games online with friends!
Find Support
If your partner has been distant, you can seek support from those who understand the situation. You could turn to a trusted friend for advice. Alternatively, you could try attending Zoom meetings for groups like Codependents Anonymous.
If you’re not up for virtual meetings, reading resources on attachment styles or codependency from experts like Melody Beattie can help you navigate your relationship with your partner.
Learn to Pause
When you’re feeling anxious, take a moment to pause. Notice when you get caught up in anxiety, and reflect on this feeling to see if you can pinpoint the source. Did you experience these emotions during your childhood? Were you always trying to get love and validation from people who were withholding?
Show compassion to this part of yourself, and remember that you are not defined by those distant from you. Better yet, try a selection from my Mindfulness Meditation series to help you learn to pause. The meditation entitled Strengthening Our True Self can be very powerful. Check it out and see for yourself!
Seek Love
It’s crucial to remember that we cannot expect a partner to provide for every emotional need. Sometimes, seeking platonic and support outside of your relationship is necessary. And yes, this is possible even during the pandemic!
To securely attach to yourself while in a relationship, you need to maintain close non-romantic relationships, too. After all, no one can be everything — having friends and relatives you can lean on is crucial.
Be Understanding
Maybe your partner does want to open up to you. But they might be struggling to figure out how. Try to understand your partner’s attachment style genuinely. Step into their shoes and see things from their eyes. They love you, but perhaps they were taught that vulnerability isn’t safe or that showing heartfelt emotion will lead to disappointment or pushback.
Take a step back and trust that if you give them enough space and work together to move forward, your partner will meet you in the middle. Look at the five languages of love (read my February 2018 blog post) to discover which are your love languages and which ones does your partner use most frequently. In time, they will learn to express their love for you in their unique way.
Follow Your Heart
What if you find that you cannot securely attach to yourself and your partner — and it’s not for lack of trying? Your partner’s distance might feel torturous, and if the situation doesn’t improve after you’ve both put in an honest effort, it may be time to go your separate ways. You could consider taking a break and talking to a therapist for guidance. Alternatively, you could try attending couples therapy together.
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Does your partner struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment? Relationship counseling can help. Reach out to me today or visit my Relationship Counseling page to learn more about how I can support you through this process.