March 2025 Newsletter
The Eightfold Path: Wise Speech
“Why am I talking?"
-A reflection on the purpose and necessity of one's speech
Hello, Everyone!
Happiest spring blessings to you all! With the equinox just past, we’re now out of winter and starting to see the first buds of spring. In this season of rebirth and renewal, we’re given an opportunity to utilize this fresh energy to create anew.
Insomuch, I cannot think of a better time to be working with wise speech on our journey along the Noble Eightfold Path. For those of you just joining, or for those of you who want to revisit this series that we began at the start of the year, both the January and February newsletters are live on the blog.
The Four Noble Truths and Life’s Bumpy Road
The Eightfold Path—Wise View and Wise Intention
In the biweekly online dharma and meditation class I facilitate (click here for more info, if you’re interested in learning more about Buddhist psychology and principles and feel a call to meditate and connect in a heartfelt community), we continued along the Eightfold Path into wise speech this month.
As a brief reminder, in the Four Noble Truths, the Buddha tells us that suffering is part of being human and that there are ways to decrease suffering, which is what we learn in the Noble Eightfold Path. By refraining from clinging to what is no longer needed and through accepting the truth that change is constant and inevitable, to the best of our ability, we engage on this path with the intention to live our lives as mindfully as possible.
Along the Eightfold Path, we first encounter wise view, in which we see the noble and wholesome path that we want to take. We then travel into wise intention to mindfully begin our journey onto the path. These two first aspects, often grouped together, set the course for a clear and accurate understanding of reality as it is with the resolve to think, act and speak with goodwill, renunciation (only taking what we need) and non-harming. We begin the path with Paññā (wisdom).
We then move into the next three strands of the path, which includes wise speech, wise action and wise livelihood, in which the Buddha gives us lessons in Sīla (ethics).
We finally conclude the journey with ways to steady the mind through wise concentration, wise attention and wise mindfulness, aka Samādhi.
The entirety of the Eightfold Path is designed to help us live with more ease, to spread a sense of loving connectedness as best we can, and to do no harm. It’s part of our mindfulness training, on and off the cushion.
Working With Wise Speech
All of this brings us to where we left off last month and into wise speech. In the tenet of wise speech, we ask ourselves to be aware of what we say, how we say it, and how our words affect others—for their benefit and for ours.
Our words hold enormous power, and we are asked to be mindful of both our inner and outer narratives. As passed down through a lineage of teachers, it’s often said, “If you cannot control your mouth, there’s no way you can hope to control your mind.” This is why wise speech is so important in day-to-day practice.
The Buddha advised that wise speech is mindful and involves speech that is spoken in truth, spoken affectionately, spoken beneficially, and spoken with a mind of goodwill.
The Buddha gave these prescriptions on wise speech:
Refrain from false speech. Do not lie. Rather, practice trustworthy speech.
Refrain from divisive or malicious speech. Do not speak in anger or gossip. Rather, practice harmonious speech.
Refrain from harsh speech. Do not speak with hate. Rather, practice comforting speech.
Refrain from frivolous or useless speech. Do not talk without purposefulness. Rather, practice speech that is worthy of the heart.
Practicing Kind Inner Speech
Most of us speak with more criticism to ourselves than we ever would to anyone else. Not only does this keep us stuck in looping, critical rumination, it also decreases our vitality and can lead to depressed mood, increased anxiety and heightened stress.
Just as we learn in meditation to notice when our mind is wandering and bring our attentional focus back to our breath, we can do the same when we notice that we’re speaking to ourselves harshly.
If you have an active inner critic, begin paying attention to when it gets going. When this happens, as best you can, notice the negative self-talk or the anxiety or whatever is arising. Try to bring an interested awareness to the experience—noting the discomfort or distress—and a sense of kindness to whatever you find.
Rather than trying to resist, refute or replace the negative inner speech, invite yourself to move toward it with curiosity and care, opening into the harshness with interest, as a way to notice and hold what has arisen. This de-centering from the harshness can allow an opportunity to bring the balm of self-healing via the breath. As best you can, breathe into the suffering and offer it some space to be exactly what it is in the moment. The intent is not to get rid of the pain, but rather to tend to it, as a healer attends to a deep wound.
When we give ourselves (and others) space when inner and/or outer conflict or discomfort arises, that space often provides a natural and even easeful shift. To illustrate this, the Buddha talked about adding a teaspoon of salt to a glass of water. When we drink that glass of water, it is very salty! However, should we put that same teaspoon of salt into a lake, dissolved in a much bigger container, the lake is not salty to the taste at all.
With care, kindness and an interest in what is happening within our minds, as well as allowing for space, much like butter that is ‘just right’ to be spread—not too hard, nor a melty mess—we soften our experience, allowing for a smooth spread. And, in this softness, using both breath and breadth, we may begin to notice a shift in how we speak to ourselves and in how that care and compassion ripples out into the world.
Cat Tales...
What Max Teaches Us About Care, Sound & Bringing a Little More Love Into the World
Cats have such unique personalities! As for our Max, he loves routine, and he likes everything (including himself!) in its place. It was especially hard for him when I got sick with the flu this past week. Besides the noises that humans make when they have respiratory issues—coughing, sneezing, nose blowing— we also change our daily habits. From the routine Max knows I normally keep, to my being in bed much of the day and night, he knew something was wrong.
This week, Max changed his routine and barely left my side. He pushed at my covers. He pawed to come under the covers closest to my head and lay his body on my chest and paws on my neck. And he did that cat healing thing that I’ve heard and read about. He purred. And purred. And purred. He did this three or four nights in a row. Until I was feeling much better, when he returned to his normal spot at the end of bed, once again watcher and guardian.
Max became the healer, bringing me love and vibrational healing because he knew I needed it and he knew he could give it. What a gift, for any being to know their power and to offer it freely when it is most needed. While not words, he used sounds to soothe, to promote healing through purring, doing what he could to spread goodwill and love in his world.
For a fun and interesting read, if you want to learn a little more about the healing properties of purring and other forms of sound healing, here’s a blog post I wrote a couple of months after we adopted the cat sibling trio: From Cats Purring To Humans Humming: The Healing Energy of Sound.
I also invite you to check out the accompanying guided meditation, Meditation with Cat Purring, for a extra dose of healing if you're in need of that, too.
As we move into April and the spring season that gifts us the energy to rebirth and renew, the invitation this month is to notice your speech.
How are you talking with and to others? How are you speaking toward yourself? Can you use your breath to return to present moment awareness when the inner critic starts taking over and inner speech starts going sideways? And, can you practice the mindful communication techniques that you’ll find at the bottom of this newsletter in the PRACTICE section to become more skillful in how you approach conversations with others?
How, like our dear Max, can you use your sound, your speech this month to bring more goodness, love and light into your life and into the lives of those you touch each day?
I’ll close with the Buddha’s own words…
Choose speech that “reunites those who are divided, promotes friendship, and speaks words that promote concord.”
Given all that is going on in the world right now—politically, environmentally, socially, and in our own heads and hearts—it’s my wish that we might all follow this sage advice and bring a little more light into the world.
I want to express my deepest appreciation and love to each of you.
Thank you for your presence—I’m so happy that you are here!
May you be filled with warmth and kindness.
May you be happy, healthy and safe.
May your heart know peace.
In kindness,
Karen
The Practice
Practicing Wise Speech
We’re all guilty of misusing speech. Oftentimes, we speak before giving much thought to what might come out of our mouths. We say things we may later regret, causing unnecessary strife in our relationships, in our lives, and in the lives of others. The Buddha saw this in humans 2600 years ago, and we’re all still at it today!
Returning to the quote at the top of this newsletter, a good place to begin when practicing wise speech is to pause at any given moment and ask yourself: Why Am I Talking?
Is what I’m saying purposeful? Is it beneficial? Am I offering something that helps create a better connection with others?
In practicing wise speech, you might also ask yourself if you're listening.
Am I paying curious attention, perhaps asking questions, and actively encoding what I am hearing? Am I making space in this conversation to really hear the other person, to offer reflective listening—repeating back what they’ve said to more deeply understand?
If not, ask yourself why. Are you so busy formulating what you want to say next that you’re missing key points of the conversation and opportunities to deeply and meaningfully connect? Or, are you off somewhere else, perhaps daydreaming or only half-listening?
Having Difficult Conversations Wisely
When it comes to having difficult conversations, techniques offered to us in the nonviolent communication and conscious communication models can really help. So can books, such as Oren Jay Sofer’s, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication.
Most of the mindful techniques offered through these contemporary methods seem to be rooted in Buddha’s teachings. They provide tips, tools and guidance in helping us to become more mindful in what we say and how we say it.
For a simple, albeit not always easy practice, a good place to begin, and an invitation to you this month as you practice wise speech, is to pause and ask yourself these four questions before speaking.
Is it true?
This question helps us to be honest and accurate in our communication, refraining from false speech, as the Buddha instructed.
Is it kind?
This question helps us consider the impact of our words on others, practicing compassion and harmonious speech, as the Buddha instructed.
Is it necessary?
This question encourages mindful speech, helping us to avoid being frivolous or engaging in unnecessary chatter or gossip, practicing speech that is purposeful, as the Buddha instructed.
If it is necessary, is it necessary by me, right now?
This question allows for a pause, and perhaps more space, to allow a softening to naturally occur.
As you ask yourself these questions throughout the month and practice both wise inner and outer speech, pay attention to how relationships—those you have with others and the one you have with yourself—shift, even if slightly. Speaking skillfully—in truth and with kindness, intentionality and purposefulness—often requires slowing down and being present in this fresh, new moment.
Resources
Read...
Speech that Unifies. In this Insight Meditation Center article, meditation teacher and author Gil Fronsdal delves into the ethical nature of speech, which, as we have all experienced, can be both beneficial and harmful. Throughout the article, Gil addresses unskillful ways of using speech, as illustrated by the Buddha, as well as why and how, as humans and as a society, we fall into using speech that is untrue, misguided and harmful. He also explores how speech can be used wisely. With mindfulness and skill and following the prescriptions given to us by the Buddha, we can use speech "to be happy in ourselves," as well as to "promote unity and affection in our relationships."
Watch...
Loving Speech & Deep Listening | Thich Nhat Hanh. In this short teaching video/excerpt from The Practice of Mindful Compassion | Dharma Talk given on 10-14-2012, Thich Nhat Hanh explains that, like the bodhisattva, we all have the ability to learn how to talk and listen with deep love and compassion. And, that this can be learned in just a couple of days, should we approach the practice with one sole purpose. This one sole purpose is to invite another to to open their heart through loving words and then to listen with the only intent of helping them to suffer less. Even if they are unskilful in their speech, we just listen, holding the energy of compassion in our hearts.
Listen...
Oren Jay Sofer, Practicing Mindful Communication. In this 10% Happier episode, Dan and Oren engage in a conversation about the complexities of communication and how mindfulness gives us tools to become more calm and grounded, especially when we're dysregulated. They discuss how from the mundane to the serious, our personal motivations and what we're carrying emotionally can drive what we say. And, when done unskillfully, how our words create divisiveness and conflict. Offer, an expert in nonviolent communication, offers insight into how the practice of mindfulness helps us slow down and consider what we're actually saying AND how we're saying it.
In case you’re unaware and interested, I offer an online, donation-based meditation class/guided practice every other Monday night 8-9pm EST in a relaxed and warm setting on Zoom. The only requirement is an interest in increasing mindful awareness and skills through practice and growing your inner wisdom. If you’re interested in beginning, reconnecting with or deepening your meditation practice in community, we’d love for you to join us! Get more details and register here.
Also, if you know of anyone interested in deepening their mindfulness and meditation practices, please forward this email along and invite them to join as well! All are welcome and can sign up for the newsletter on my website.
Dr. Karen Walant has been a practicing psychotherapist for almost three decades and holds a MSW and PhD in Clinical Social Work from New York University. Karen supervises other clinicians in private practice and has given lectures around the country on issues related to attachment, mindfulness, meditation, addiction and recovery, deepening the therapeutic relationship, parenting with kindness, and fostering compassionate relationships. She is the author of Creating the Capacity for Attachment: Treating Addictions and the Alienated Self. A long-time meditator and teacher, Karen is a 2021 graduate of the 2-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Training Program (taught by meditation experts Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield), is certified as a Mindfulness Meditation Mentor, and is certified as a Level I Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) Teacher through Brown University, and completed her Certificate in Mindfulness and Psychotherapy from the Institute for Mindfulness and Psychotherapy in 2022.