Feeling Paralyzed by Anxiety – 5 Keys to Get Moving

In this rapidly changing world, keeping up with constant transformations in technology, our work, and social lives is a scary job.

It’s easy to feel paralyzed by anxiety.

You’re not a gazelle encountering a lion in the bush. You’re just giving a speech. And yet, your palms are sweating, your eyes feel like they’re popping out of your head, and your legs are wobbly.

You feel like you’re going to faint!

It’s so overwhelming that you back out of the speech. Or, you go through with it anyway, feel like a failure, and refuse to ever speak publicly again.

You want to succeed in your job, but not being able to speak is crippling your success.

Most of all, your freeze response is keeping you from living the life you want.

Fight, Flight or Freeze: Your Body’s Response to Stress

Your body and brain are designed to respond to stress automatically: fight, flight, or freeze. If you’re bigger than the problem, you fight. If it’s bigger than you, you run away. And if there’s no way to escape, you freeze.

When fight or flight does not take you to safety, your freeze response manifests in several ways. You go into a state of high alert. Your bodies freeze in fright. You may even dissociate from your bodies and the situation. And then, you may faint. 

An alternative to freeze is the submissive compliant response.  Just like an animal that rolls over and shows its belly and exposes its neck, you may find yourself agreeing with the person you are afraid of, or complying with requests that you know, in your heart of hearts that you should refuse. 

At its most severe, the freeze response becomes the immobilization response—a re-experiencing of trauma associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Sometimes the freeze response is the best way to deal with trauma. The rabbit hiding in the grass may be overlooked by the fox. Numbing out or dissociating from a horrific event may keep you sane until it’s over. Or, the chemicals released in your brain by the freeze response may help you feel less pain from an injury.

But this natural immobilization system is meant to function only for a few seconds. When chronic, it’s harmful. Being paralyzed by fear drains your energy and keeps you from acting.

The Freeze Response and Social Conditioning

In animals, the freeze response causes physical collapse, stillness, and dissociation. For example, a gazelle chased by a lion first runs away. If it can’t escape, it collapses. The dissociation shields the gazelle from the pain of attack. And there’s a chance the lion will lose interest. If it does, the gazelle shakes off the intense energy of the chase and goes on with its life.

As a human, your social conditioning doesn’t let you go through the full cycle. When you’re threatened, you tend to suppress the yelling, running, fighting, and trembling. That means your bodies deal less well with stress. The next time you are threatened again, you freeze.

Over time, you begin feeling helpless and depressed. You may feel shame for complying rather than refusing.  And you may blame yourself for not being able to act.

Especially if you’ve suffered a traumatic experience, your body may respond to anything that reminds you of that experience by freezing. For example, your fear of public speaking might have started from a childhood experience when you were ridiculed for speaking out.

Your freeze response to the original frightening or threatening event was automatic—and natural. But chronic freezing in response to what happened long ago is not. Constantly shutting down is no way to live.

Five Keys to Get Moving

Your freeze response means that your body is out of resources. Seeing yourself as shameful, weak, or cowardly because you were unable to act is not the answer.

Instead, find ways to keep from being blocked before you go into a freeze response. Find ways to remind yourself that you are safe after you “thaw.”

The following five keys can help you in frightening situations:

1. Attend and Befriend Your Fear

Allow yourself to feel your fear. Agree to let it be there. Notice it. Name it. Hold it. Paradoxically, giving yourself permission to feel helpless can create space for healing.

2. Attend and Befriend Your Body

During the freeze, connect with your body. Ask what it wants to do. Focus on one need at a time. Giving attention to your feelings will ease your conflict.

After the freeze, during the “thaw,” tune in to your body. Ground yourself with deep breathing, and meditation techniques. Exercise. Stretch. Stand up tall. Increase your feelings of power by carrying yourself in a confident way. Eat well. Get enough sleep.

3. Attend and Befriend Your Thoughts

Shift away from seeing the scary situation as a threat. Identify your anxiety-provoking thoughts. Do a reality check. How likely is your worst-case scenario? So, your speech may bomb. What’s the worst that could happen?

4. Attend and Befriend Yourself

The “attend” part focuses on what you can do to help yourself in this fearful situation. The “befriend” part is caring for yourself.

Your freeze response to physical and emotional threat keeps you closed up. Shifting to attend and befriend helps you open up. Ask yourself for advice. What would you tell a friend in your situation?

5. Take Action as You Are Able

If the prospect of public speaking is too much right now, decline the opportunity. Protecting yourself will help you replace your feelings of helplessness with the experience of power. Then, get help. Learn about your triggers and limiting beliefs. Make a plan to conquer your anxiety.

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Remember, you don’t have to be paralyzed by anxiety! Attend and befriend your fear, your body, your thoughts, and yourself. Act to protect yourself and to deal with your fear in the future. These 5 keys will get you moving.

How to Use the Many Languages of Love with Your Partner

Remember the scene in Love, Actually when Jamie, the Colin Firth character, in the middle of a crowded restaurant, proposes to Aurelia in broken Portuguese? She accepts in broken English, and the whole crowd applauds.

Jamie and Aurelia had learned each other’s languages so they could declare their love for each other.

Would you learn another language for the one you love?

In his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman makes these two points:

1. People speak different love languages, which are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
2. Once you identify and learn to speak your partner’s love language, you have discovered the key to making your relationship last.

Speaking the Same Love Language

In the early euphoria of “falling in love,” you give freely because you believe that you and your lover feel the same about each other. When that stage passes, relationship issues often arise. You may question whether your partner is truly committed to your needs.

What Dr. Chapman calls your “love tank” (the gas tank that fuels your relationship) feels empty. You begin to doubt your partner’s love because it’s not expressed the way you feel it should be.

Sure, your partner brings you presents, but they never tell you they love you in so many words. Yes, your lover mows the lawn and makes sure your car is serviced, but you don’t hug so much anymore. Or, your partner compliments you on your appearance or your skills or your success at work, but you no longer go on dates or spend time just talking with each other.

It’s possible for couples to love each other but to feel unloved because they think in different ways about how to give and receive love.

The Many Languages of Love

To be sure you’re both on the same wavelength, you and your partner need to understand your own and each other’s love language. Then, you need to learn to speak the other’s language. What exactly are these different languages?

Words of Affirmation

If Words of Affirmation is your love language, you communicate—in words—encouragement, affirmation, and appreciation for your partner. You empathize and you listen actively. You take care to make any criticism constructive. And you recognize and appreciate your partner’s efforts.

In Dr. Chapman’s words, “With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, ‘I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?’”

Quality Time

If your love language is Quality Time, you want uninterrupted conversations with your partner. You want one-on-one time to focus on shared and on separate concerns. You enjoy special moments, like walks and weekend getaways. And you avoid distractions and long periods without focused time together.

Receiving Gifts

When your love language is Receiving Gifts, you make your spouse a priority. You put thought into giving. When you receive a gift, you really mean your “thank you.” You know little things are important. And you don’t forget special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays.

Acts of Service

For those whose language of love is Acts of Service, it’s all about helping. You want your partner to know you’re with them. You do chores together, bring breakfast in bed, and do more than your share of the daily workload. Indeed, you follow through on both big and little tasks.

Physical Touch

If Physical Touch is your love language, you’re into nonverbal communication. Body language and touch express your love. You kiss, hold hands, show affection physically. You make intimacy a priority, and you’re thoughtful. Plus, you receive affection warmly, and you don’t let long periods go by without intimate gestures.

Learning a Love Language

Communication between couples happens when they express their love for each other in the language their lover understands.

If a husband’s love language is Acts of Service, he may feel hurt when his wife doesn’t acknowledge that he spent weeks building raised beds for her garden. She may tell him often that she loves him (Words of Affirmation), but if she doesn’t take time to cook breakfast or take the car to the repair shop, he won’t hear her words of love.

Perhaps you know your love language from the descriptions above. But if you’re not quite sure, here’s how to figure out the linguistic characteristics of your relationship.

Dr. Chapman suggests three ways to discover your love language.

1. What does your spouse do that hurts you? – The opposite is probably your primary love language.
2. What do you most often ask your partner for? – That’s the thing that makes you feel loved.
3. How do you usually show your love? – That’s how you want your lover to express love to you.

Try these questions with your partner as well, to discover their love language.

How does your partner express love? People naturally give love in the way they prefer to receive it.

What does your partner tend to complain about? According to Dr. Chapman, “People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”

For Jamie and Aurelia, mentioned at the outset, learning to speak the same language removed the barriers that kept them from expressing their love for each other. Much in the same way, learning to speak the languages of love—your own and your partner’s—can keep your relationship strong.

Happy Valentine's Day!